Girls

I met a girl last night.  Yeah, I did.  Her name is Sabine.  Isn’t that  a fucking German ass name?  If not German, at least European.  She’s very pretty.  She’s not beautiful, but she has a beautiful personality, and that counts.  I’m really happy I met her.

Let’s ignore for a second, that love is a lie, and that love at first sight doesn’t exist.  Because as a philosophy major, I’m predisposed to inform you all that if love truly existed, the divorce rate wouldn’t be 50%.  Like, if you REALLY think about it, that means that if you get married, either you or your wife is getting divorced…  That’s not exactly comforting, is it?  And the same thing goes for girls that want boys, and homosexuals.  I’ll NEVER understand homophobia.  It’s like…  How is that a thing to hate about someone?  Like, let’s break it down, if a DUDE is gay, that literally just means that you’re more able and likely to find girls to seduce and make love to.  AND that, in turn, means less guys will be trying to seduce women that you want to seduce.  That’s just helping you out, dude.  You ought to high five every gay dude you meet.  And I’m sorry for reducing homosexuality to such crude terms, but I just don’t get it.  I’m a Libertarian.  SO many things people think, I find idiotic, but I’ll die for their right to think it,.  But you’d be hard pressed to tell me there’s ANYTHING I understand less than homophobia.  But that aside, Sabine is not about love.  It’s about…  It’s about someone making you feel worthy.  It’s about…  Believing you’re worth it, because someone else seems to as well.

I was the happiest I’ve been in my life for a long while now.  You want to know why?  You know those moments, when you first meet a person you’re sexually attracted to, and you lock eyes by accident, only you don’t look away, and they don’t look away, and you just become overwhelmed with the entirety of their being?  You just keep staring even though you know you should have looked away seconds ago, but you can’t get over how pretty she looks?  She keeps staring at you, and you don’t know why someone so gorgeous would ever find you attractive?  And you don’t know what to do with yourself because you can’t believe that someone that sexy would actually find you interesting?  Because that’s what I experienced last night.  And in all likelihood, Sabine and I won’t work out.  But that’s fine.  Because she’s given me my own purpose.  And as Camus is too fond of saying, we all have to make our own purpose.

I know I’ve been sad a lot lately.  But all that it takes to be happy is one thing.  One moment that changes your entire outlook on life.  And even if it’s not a singularity of moments, I’m thinking, I’m planning, I’m HOPING that Sabine is what change will be.

I’m under no illusions that we’re getting married.  I mean, shit, I’m leaving in a bit more than 2 months.  But she’s cool.  She’s fun.  She’s attractive.  She seems to be into me.  I mean shit, she gave me her phone number.  We have a date for Wednesday.  At least I won’t be so alone.  Because the first time I’ve felt connected to another being on this planet since I’ve been in Germany was with her.  And it felt amazing, and I don’t plan on letting that go without a fight.  And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?  Someone that validates you, and makes you wade through the sea of shit that we call life?

She’s German, by the way.  She’s 25, too!  She’s 4 years older than me.  I feel that’s so strange.  She’s robbing the fucking cradle by dating me.  She’s studying linguistics.  I HATE linguistics, I remember the worst class I’ve taken in college was “Introduction to Phonology” with Professor Fallon, but she makes it seem interesting.  She’s studying Japanese.  That’s cool, isn’t it?  It’s like how I’m studying German.  Only, I’m far more confident she’ll become fluent in Japanese than I am that I will become fluent in German.  I gotta be honest, I have a thing for German girls.  I don’t know why everyone hates on the German language.  I mean, *I* do, because I’m studying it, and the language makes no God damn sense, but still.  I mean…  Separable verbs?  Whose awful idea was that?  I feel the language itself is a lot more beautiful than people give it credit for.  It really is.

But that’s the thing I’ve learned.  Life is hard.  It really is.  It’s painful, and awful, and amazing, and delightful, and abysmal, and detrimental, but at the end of the day, the only time you enjoy yourself and find happiness is when you stop trying to.  Everyone I’ve talked to since Bob died said that I need to “occupy my time” and do “x, y, and z” so I can convince myself I’m not sad.  But that’s not what you need to do.  What you need to do, is let go.  And THAT, that my friends, is the hard part.  Really letting go.  Because the second you let go, and just let life happen, is the second you end up at a bar with 8 girls and no guys, all vying for your attention.  THAT, is when you hang out with your best friends from 3:30 PM until 3:30 AM the next day, and then walk home with the cool, interesting girl you just met.  That, is when you let go of all of your hate, anger, and sadness.  You try to be happy again, not because it’s a choice, but because time heals all wounds.

I remember when I was in high school, I did MUN, which stands for Model United Nations.  And my school was actually really amazing at it.  We’re like, 4th in the nation overall, private AND public schools.  And my freshman year, my first conference, I was with a girl named Devika, who bless her soul, just wanted to win.  She was a Senior.  And she was doing all that you should, talking during moderated caucuses, and creating coalitions during unmoderated ones.  Using our speaker’s list time amazingly.  And then one moment, she went outside to work on our coalitions resolution with Finland.  I REMEMBER it was Finland, because I was terrified.  I was terrified of having to work on my own, and talk, and be whoever I was supposed to be.  And so she left.  And then some country went and yielded their time to us.  And as they were yielding, I got up, and left.  I left the conference room, and pretended to go to the bathroom, so I wouldn’t have to talk.  Everyone KNEW when I came back that I had purposely evaded the damn thing, but that seemed preferable to actually talking.  And I was so ashamed.  I mean, who is so afraid of just speaking English, that they stand up and go to the bathroom?  And do you know what Devika said?  She came back, and wrote me a note, since that was the primary mode of communication in MUN, that said, “In time, this too shall pass.”  In time…  This too shall pass.  And that’s so true.  Being unhappy isn’t a static thing.  It’s a passing feeling.  And that’s why, hate to make it so DARK all of a sudden, I know I’ll never kill myself.  Because life is so wonderful, and full of amazing things.  Like food, and friends, and Sabine.  Sabine may be a metaphor but still.

“In time, this too, shall pass.”

And it will be gradual.  But, at least you’re making progress.  And for every inch you take, it’ll hurt a million times more if you don’t.  But it was for the best.  And I’m glad that for the first time in a LONG while, I was able to write a happy post, Professor Rotter.  You have no idea what your support means.

And it’s all because of one, beautiful, amazing, wonderful girl.  Love’s great, isn’t it?

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